what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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