My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
