If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
