I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
