Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
