final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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