the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
