That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
