I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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