Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I don't want my vagina anymore.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
