im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
