i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
