my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
