if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
