I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
