Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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