She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
