Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
