one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
