My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
