i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
