I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
