they said they heard you say put it in my butt
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
