I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
