I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
