i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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