I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
