So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
