if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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