if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
