who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
