I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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