one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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