no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
