Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Randomize
