mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
