Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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