And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
