im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
