just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...