O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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