Don't you send me to vm
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
