I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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