I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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