I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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