im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
