he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize