I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize