I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
