I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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