you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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