I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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