All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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