Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
