I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
