Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
