Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize