The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
