in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
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my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
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I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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