I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
