If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
