so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Houston, we have a squirter
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
