Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
