You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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