Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
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