Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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